I have to find a way to get out of my mind. I’ve been getting lost in it far too much and I truly think that it is killing me. Most normal people wouldn’t care, but then again most normal people aren’t catatonic when they are lost in their minds.
I head in and look back, I can see out of the eyes for a moment and sigh. Too much reality to deal with. I just want to get lost for a while. I walk towards the back and head to the door, but where will it take me today? I open it and suddenly am overwhelmed by the scent of wild flowers. Do I go on? Do I risk it?
With a deep breath I move forward through the door letting it slam behind me. I can’t go back now. The door closed, I have to find the next one to go… somewhere. Will it take me home? Who knows. I just start to walk through a field of wild flowers out into a giant field between two huge Mountains. I see a stream running down one of the two mountains and watch as it feeds to a pond off in the distance. I wander towards the pond. It has to be a good start. Maybe I’ll just relax a bit, but I cannot fall asleep.
If I fall asleep I may never wake up.
I nodded off once, on another trip, but it took me a few days to get out of the dream to only realize I was still trapped in my mind. Everything was still a puzzle. It had grown worse over me then. I cannot allow that to happen again. I won’t even risk it.
What if I had never woken from the dream? What if the flowers that started to grow up around me started to grow over me and I woke tangled unable to move? To be trapped in a prison of my own creation would be surely maddening. I was lucky I woke when I did.
Not to mention the nightmares that came. From then I started to have nightmares that were awful for days… weeks… I was terrified to even come and return to the simple place that was my mind. I could barely move from them in the morning. How I didn’t have a heart attack I never knew. Maybe you can’t give yourself a heart attack while sleeping. One never knows.
I start to walk through the wild flowers towards the pond. The sky is clear except a few puffy clouds. It all seemed very peaceful. I’ve never been here before. Nothing is familiar, but water always seems like a good sign. I sit by the pond and look in the water. My reflection doesn’t look like me. Not the me I see in the mirrors. I always wonder why I never look like my outside me. My only thought is that I look like who I really am now, who I am on the inside and my other form is lost. Why else would I look like this?
My hand splashes into the water washing away the mirror image. I don’t want to think about serious things like that now. Not when I’m still trapped and I have no idea where the door is. I rise to my feet up once more noticing how even though I just splashed the water with my fingers they’re still dry. I wonder what would happen if I ran into the water. Would I come out all wet or would I still be dry? Part of me contemplates testing this theory the rest however cannot be bothered. I still do not see anything that looks like the door so in theory I’m still trapped. Maybe I’ll test this theory after I find out where the door is. Though I probably won’t.
I start to follow this stream up the mountain. The sky is still a beautiful blue with minimal clouds in it. I look up at the few puffy clouds and wonder if they realize how alone they are. Do clouds even feel alone? Lord knows I feel alone. That is part of the reason I come into my mind. I want to feel alone and just be where I am just me. No one telling me what to do or correcting me. Just able to be who I am, where I am for the time being. No one squawking at me over little insignificant details. It is a wonderful feeling sometimes, realizing how totally alone I am in my mind.
When I first started to come it wasn’t so empty. There were other thoughts all the time out loud. It took quite a few trips to get the other sounds and voices to stop. I never thought they would at first, but now. Silence. From the voices at least. My feet still crunch the grass as I walk. I still hear the other inhabitants of the area I am in. Creatures that my mind has added to make the scene feel more real. I’ve thus far avoided them, as I would real animals, just to make sure that I stay alright. I do not want to find out the hard way that I could be killed in my mind. That would just be awful. Living without living. Caught forever in a catatonic state my body more of a burden than it already was. What would my parents think?
If they see me now and think it’s another one of my spells. They try to wake me and it is to no avail. Now they just leave me until I wake up on my own, but if I were to never wake up? They almost had a fit when I was out for days. To be out forever would cause a disaster of immense proportions. Which parent would take me? Who would deal with me? They would surely have to put me away somewhere. My body would live out the remainder of it’s days lost in some institution. Would anyone visit? Would anyone care?
I continue my walk up the mountain along the stream. My eyes scan as I go, but the door is no where to be found. Maybe up a bit further. I hope that I didn’t choose the wrong path to follow. Maybe I should have trudged off away from the water. Maybe this time it wasn’t a good sign. No, I can’t think like that. I cannot give to the negativity and turn around now. Not until I’ve gone and checked as much as possible. My mind may grow tired, but my body will not fatigue. I push on, there is no other choice. I must go on further up the mountain. The stream is starting show it’s source. A waterfall from the mountain? Wait. What is behind the stream? There at the source I see it. The telltale sparkling glimmer of the door. It’s behind the waterfall!
My intuition was right, water was a good sign, at least this time. I smile at the door now feeling more secure in the world of my creation.
Poetry & writing are one way to express yourself and help people through things, but they are not the only way. Please realize that you are not alone. If you are feeling depressed, or having thoughts of suicide please contact someone. You can always call for help
US Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
or if you aren’t comfortable with that you can go online and get help here. You are not alone. You are not the only one, you matter, you are not a bother, and you are worth it. Make the call, click the link, reach out to someone don’t fight the battle alone, don’t give into the night.