Oh Captain, My Captain, May You Find The Peace You Need

who do you turn to
when laughter dies

I wrote that tonight upon hearing of the untimely death of Robin Williams.  To say that his death rocked me to the very center of my being would be an understatement.

It shook me to my very core.

As a person who idolized the man as a comedian, as a humanitarian and as a decent human being who struggled with life and depression as well as his own demons and addictions this one hurt.  Robin Williams gave more than he ever knew to more people than he could ever meet in his lifetime.  He could never have lived long enough for his fans, let alone for his family, and he will be missed.

Careers were started because of him, money raised, happiness brought to troops.  Laughter and tears of joy were wept because of him and now we cry because we can only do so from what he left us, his movies, his cds and our memories.  Robin Williams brought people from the brink of despair even when he was there himself and even though he held the entire world in his hands and the world loved him for it, it wasn’t enough.  That’s what depression is.  That’s what depression does.

You don’t see any of that and if you do it doesn’t matter.

None of that matters.  It’s not real.  When you are depressed, the only thing that matters is what you are going through.  The emotions you are experiencing.  You believe you are no good, you are no help to those you care about, the focus is pain you are in or the pain you believe you are causing and you want to find a way to make the pain stop.  How you can unburden yourself, your family and loved ones.  How you can get out of the place you are in right now.  How you can make the pain you are in stop.  How the pain you are in will never go away.  How the darkness will never go away and if it can’t end any other way… well you think there might be one way you can make it end.

It varies for each person.  No ones depression is the same and it isn’t easy for friends and loved ones when someone they care for is depressed.  I see the looks in the eyes of those I love when I get very depressed and it just adds to mine.  I tend to cut myself off more from the outside world then.  You don’t see the other’s eyes and you don’t see yourself adding to their pain.

Though, as someone who fiercely battles depression and a fan who looked up to him his death was heart wrenching.  If he can’t do it… how can I?

US Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s