Understandings

i understand
money doesn’t buy happiness
nothing buys happiness
happiness is an emotion
blessing some people
eluding
evading
others

in my head i see
reasons for my happiness
in my head i see
reasons that i shouldn’t be here
they normally are the same
things that would be better
if i was gone
people that would be better
with my belongings
instead of me
things that would be better
without me draining them
financially
emotionally

they say love makes things grow
but when you love someone
like me
we know
we see your eyes
we hear your words
loving us is a burden
a hardship
more so than any other
one could go through

so yes i understand
money doesn’t buy happiness
nothing buys happiness
you can’t force happiness
i understand happiness because
i’ve done everything to get it
for years now
chased it
watched it
faked it
counted all i’ve had
given things away
and things make me happy
when i’ve tasted it
those few times
when i’ve drank it in
truly been happy
to then fall from it

but at the end
it’s dark and cold
you feel all alone
and i see how
much better it could be
if only
if only i could be strong enough
to stop being selfish
fight off the desire
for the perfect night

---

Poetry is a way to express yourself and help people through things, but it is not the only way though.  Please realize that you are not alone.  If you are feeling depressed, or having thoughts of suicide please contact someone.  You can always call for help

US Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255

or if you aren’t comfortable with that you can go online and get help here.  You are not alone.  You are not the only one, you matter, you are not a bother, and you are worth it.  Make the call, click the link, reach out to someone don’t fight the battle alone, don’t give into the night.